Saturday, July 18, 2009

I'm NOT a "Country Girl

Hey, it's Jada again. We just had an experience recently that made us realize that I just am NOT a "country" sort of gal. I'm more of a "suburban" sort of gal. Now I've never seen a sheep or a cow or a horse, and I'm not sure what I'd think of them. But this fact I do know:

I'm deathly afraid of big birds.

There. I said it. I have to confess this doesn't make me feel any better. Everyone said I'd feel better if I talked about it. But I don't.

I don't have many fears. Oh, I'm afraid of little wisps of hair that blow across the floor when dogs are being brushed or trimmed - but isn't everyone? Hey, they look like bugs when I see them coming at me and my heart stops and I jump away quickly and then sheepishly realize it's just a piece of hair. But then it occurs to me that you just don't know WHERE or from what dog that hair came from. Uh huh. Think of it that way and you'll run from tumbleweed hair wisps also!

So other than hair wisps, I really am pretty fearless. Oh wait....I forgot. I'm sorta deathly afraid of cicada's also. Not the normal cicada's that one seldom see's. No, it's those big bulging red-eyed 17-year cicada bugs. Yes, THOSE!

Check this thing out - what's NOT to be afraid of!

I was sort of willing to give them a chance when I first saw one, but then it SCREAMED this ear-shattering shrill noise at me and that was all I needed to know about them! DANGER! DANGER! DANGER!

What blew me away is that Tyssen just loves them! He EATS them! He picks them up in his mouth and carries them alive for a bit, then lets them go to bat around with his paws (what, he thinks he's a cat now?) and then eventually munches them up for a snack. That's just sick. Joni does
n't help. She thinks they're great fun and picks them up and holds them out for me to see. What's that all about? She knows I hate them! So I just stand back and go to my "happy place" in my mind and pretend I'm in a big cicada-less, bird-less and hair wisp-less meadow all by myself. Joni just laughs at me refusing to look at the cicada that she's letting crawl around her hand, while she fights Tyssen off, who is trembling in anticipation of swooping it out of her hands and tearing it apart in front of me. Sick sick sick. I live with degenerates.

Fortunately the 17-cicada swarms are only around occasionally. Yeah
, I hear there are different broods of them in different years, but it sure makes me happy to know that I'll never EVER meet the descendants of any of those vile creatures I met last year!

So now the big bird thing.

I've seen regular birds my entire life - robins, sparrows, cardinals - normal size birds and I'm fine with them. I leave them alone - they leave me alone. I even tried my best when I was younger to catch them before I realized I'm not a Retriever and it just made me look silly. But the birds I'm talking about are monstrous birds like ducks.....swans....stuff like that. They're just NOT normal birds! These things are freakin' scary! I heard somewhere that they think birds evolved from dinosaurs. Dinosaurs!! I don't need anything with dino DNA near me! They're just deadly looking. They've got these big ol' claw feet and sharp razor-like beak lips and flap these big hairy wings around [shudder]. And they FLY! That's just not right.

I was introduced to some baby "ducks" in the Spring while at a visit to where I was born. Judy had 4 ducks out there and I knew they were trouble from the first whiff of duck breath when I walke
d into the grooming room. I decided that the best tactic to deal with this was to completely ignore their existence - don't even LOOK in their direction. I just kept repeating to myself that if I don't make eye contact with them then they don't really exist....since it worked so well for the cicada's. Well, that only worked as long as someone wasn't picking up the evil pieces of yellow fluff and holding them out for me to see. Naturally - Joni did this again to me, just like with those stupid bugs. What possesses someone to do this is just beyond me. It's like she has a sadistic illness or something. I kept avoiding looking directly at them and they finally put them back into their jail-like cell they were keeping them in. THAT should tell them something, you'd think! They're ferocious enough to be kept in a cell, but safe enough for me to get them shoved in my face?

They were gone the next time I was there, I was relieved to see. Then Joni and Jud
y took me out to "the pond" (whatever that was) out front with my mom, Lucy, and the big black lab, Bash. I chased Lucy around for a little while, then when we stopped I was next to the BIGGEST HUGEST puddle I've ever seen. This was "the pond". WOW! I was thinking this was pretty cool when I saw it - a huge white bird with a long loopy neck. My first thought was that it HAD to have a long necked Brontosaurus ancestor! It was on top of the huge puddle heading directly at me with a murderous glint in it's dead black eyes and a 6-foot wingspan! Then I noticed the 4 ducks! No way!! They were HUGE now and were heading towards me in a flanking maneuver that was sure to entrap me and this time there was NO jail-like enclosure for them around!

Then Bash jumped IN the pond!


At first I thought he was protecting me from them and my heart just warmed at the thought that he loved me so much he was willing to selflessly give up his own life and let them torture and eat him up, thus giving me a chance to escape to freedom. I vowed right there to name my first-born puppy "Bash" in his honor. Then I remembered I was spayed, but I could just make a donation somewhere in his name. But no....all he did was frolic in the pond next to them. That's right...he was a collaborator and a double agent - maybe even a "pod Bash"! This was all just their plan to get me! I quickly backed even further away so that Joni was between me and the puddle. I think she might be able to handle herself....and if they ripped her apart first , well....such is life. Then Bash came out of the puddle looking like the creature from the Black Lagoon and I just KNEW he was coming to get me. I didn't know what would happen next - would an alien-like bird burst out of his stomach? Maybe he'd suddenly sprout wings and a beak and come after me as a horrifyingly huge mutant lab-bird creature. I just kept on moving back even further and further. I hated that Joni and Judy were laughing at me and trying to entice me towards the pond/puddle and the evil birds again, but I'm certainly not stupid enough to come to them and see what would happen. I just kept hoping I'd wake up and this would all just be a horrible nightmare.

Finally, they got tired of laughing at me and we moved on from the pond, but my heart was pounding all the way back to the house. That's when Joni figured out that I am NOT a country girl - I'm really not a "city girl" since that sounds so downtown-ish - so it was decided that I'm a "Suburban girl". Sounds nice, doesn't it? I'd much rather see lawns and cats and tree's and kids around then these nightmarish big bird things.

A slight update:
We visited the pond again today while out on errands and Joni wanted to get some photos of my bird terror. [rolling my eyes at this!] We didn't take Bash with us this time, so he's not in any of the photos. I tried my best once again to avoid looking at those evil birds again. I was also finding duck feathers ALL over the grass. Ewwwww. I had to look very carefully to avoid walking on those.

I sat on the picnic table for a little while, but refused to look at the swan that was quietly stalking me from behind.

For some unknown reason - perhaps she's just a bit dense - Lucy seems to not understand the danger she's in when she's out there. Look at these - she's totally oblivious that she's mere seconds from having her limbs torn off! That swan continually stalked her as she meandered along the pond edge. Notice she's got her back to the murderous bird EVERY TIME! She's clueless!

RUN, Lucy, RUN!!!!

This is me when I decided to get a bit braver and look at the swan, but was pretty jumpy every time it made eye contact with me.

Finally, in sheer terror, I just closed my eyes and went to my "happy place" and kept saying "There's no place like home...there's no place like home...there's no place like home..."

I was VERY happy to finally leave the pond - best part of the whole visit!

Here's one final photo of our visit today - Tyssen and me hanging out in the yard. Ty's being silly thinking he can climb the tree and get the squirrel he is convinced is up there.

1 comment:

/barbara said...

Adorable! Loved the introduction to Tyssen. The pics of Jada go so well with the story, laughed at the one of her with her eyes closed.